To Love, Honour and Cherish… Right.

Don’t those vows just warm the cockles of your heart? I was contemplating posting about Katrina but I decided to write about something a little closer to home and to my heart. Marriage is supposed to be holy, sacrosanct, an institution that binds two people together indissolubly. In this sacred bond, both parties unwaveringly care for and protect each other. Sadly, this is seldom true or more accurately, it’s mostly bullshit.


Two weeks ago, Mimi (yes, I call my mom Mimi) and I we were having one of our little mother-daughter talks when she shared with me something very disturbing. One of her friends, a mother of two, was being physically and verbally abused by her husband on a regular basis. Now, I have seen her husband, he looks like a gentleman and I’ve seen them together, they look like two people very much in love. That shows how much I know. I was shocked. How could he bear to strike the mother of his sons, one 3 and the other about 3months old?


Now, I have been accused of being a feminist and a lady with balls of steel by certain people. As it happens, I have previously researched wife abuse as part of my feminist activities, but a person can know all the statistics and still not truly understand the issue. Wife abuse often begins during pregnancy, when the woman is most vulnerable. Despite declamations that men and women now have equal social standing why are the figures for wife abuse ridiculously high? Why hasn’t this trend plummeted since women have now gained so much power and men have subjugated like subservient dogs? Because this isn’t true, not yet anyway and this is precisely why we need feminists, people. It’s to protect weaker, vulnerable women and their basic human rights, not to emasculate men.


Several theories are being examined by practitioners and researchers. The three most prominent theories at this time are:


1.The social learning theory, which suggests that abusive men learn to express their anger in violent ways from experience in their families of origin and are supported in doing so by societal attitudes. Research indicates that a high number of men who abuse their partners witnessed their fathers abuse their mothers or were victims themselves. ( the vicious circle of life)

2.The feminist theory, based on the belief that male oppression of women is fundamental in society, which suggests that men abuse women to maintain control and power in the family. Practitioners working in treatment programs with abusive men report that a high number of their clients believe they have the right and responsibility to control their female partners and use violence and threats of violence to do so. (damn misogynists!)

3.The psychological theory, which suggests that abusive men have character and personality factors which account for their abusive behaviour. Practitioners and researchers report that most men who abuse their partners have common characteristics. (surprise, surprise)


Once the first incident of violence is tolerated and the fear has been instilled in the woman, the stage is set for a pattern of violence to become established. As time goes on, the violence commonly becomes more severe and more frequent. A complex combination of factors traps many women in abusive relationships. Some of these factors include personal and societal conventions about families and women's stereotypical responsibilities, a perceived lack of ability and/or resources to cope independently, and a demonstrated lack of support by some persons and institutions outside the family.


1 in 10 women have suffered some kind of abuse and it takes them, on average , up to 7 years to report this. This too is true in Mimi’s friend’s case. Nobody was the wiser because most of the bruises were on her torso and could be easily covered up. However one night, in a drunken stupor, her husband made a grave mistake. That SOB punched her squarely on the face. Things came to a head the next day when she had to go to her parent’s house as part of her weekly routine. Her Dad immediately noticed the disfiguring contusion on her daughter’s face and boy did he get pissed. What father can stand to see his baby girl hurt? He lost no time in confronting the SOB and chewing his ass out, threatening to call the police if he dared hit his daughter again. I saw her when the bruise was still fresh too. It broke my heart when entering my house; she anxiously scanned my face for any signs that I had spotted and guessed the story behind that painfully obvious bruise. I pretended too. I complimented her on her top while wondering how many bruises that probably hid. And the whole time during the visit, she surreptitiously kept arranging her hair over her bruise which only made her look all the more pitiful.


Last I heard, the SOB has stopped. So everything is just fine and dandy right now, but how do you live with man whose only restraint is a threat, whose every touch you instinctively flinch from, just in case.


My best friend were discussing spouse abuse and what we would do if it ever happened to us. And of course yours truly vehemently replied “I’ll punch him right back and divorce him faster than he could say ‘ow’!” Well a few days ago, I chanced upon some even more painful news. Now, Mimi has a very loud voice which could be attributed to 28 years of teaching unruly kiddies and I must admit I ignominiously overheard her phone conversation with my aunt. This was an even bigger shocker. My aunt and uncle, though both in their early forties, have always been a very ‘happening’ and youthful couple. They go pubbing weekly and still ‘date’ regularly despite having three children all under the age of 12. an exemplary marriage right?


Well I found out that my aunt has been abused by her husband verbally, physically and emotionally for a long, long time. This is one of my closest aunts, she is like a third mother to me, (the second being my godmother) and when I heard this, a sickening sense of reality came crashing down on me. All my bravado seemed so facile and fatuous to me now. You see, if I’m a fire cracker, then my aunt’s da bomb. She has always defended her rights (rather explosively I might add) and has never been the type to back down form a fight. Hey, I bet she could even take on her husband if she really wanted. If this truculent woman herself can allow her self to be victimized in this way, what about other more demure women? What about me? What would I really do if it ever came down to this? All my bluster is absolutely ridiculous and inefficacious when it comes down to the nitty gritty.


I guess it becomes really complicated when children are thrown into the equation. They were my belligerent aunt’s weakness; they are every woman’s weakness. What men fail to realize is that their strength, (physical or otherwise) is merely an accident arising from the weakness of others. This being the case, they should protect the weak, not abuse them.



What God has joined together, no man can throw asunder. But some men certainly do try.